My Love Affair
I am having the most incredible love affair with Luke.
I could not answer the question if I wanted THREE or a GIRL
Dan and I battled over the decision - even deciding to postpone #3 for a while
Just when we made that decision, we found out I was pregnant again
I was devastated when I found out I was having another boy
And it was then that I knew I didn't want three
I pretended that I could deal with it and was "happy"
I wasn't
I was depressed and mad and angry
and GUILTY
I felt so gulity that I did not want this baby as much as I wanted Nicholas or Brandon
I felt guilty because a baby is a miracle
I felt guilty because some people are not as lucky as I have been
I felt guilty because I wanted a little girl so bad, I ached inside
I felt guilty because every baby should be wanted, by someone who couldn't wait to see him, hold him, smell him
I knew I would get there
I knew deep down inside that I would LOVE him, of course I would, and I prayed he would be healthy
I knew he would capture my heart, just like Nicholas and Brandon have
So I waited
Then May 18th came...
It wasn't until I held him that I KNEW he was exactly what I wanted and NEEDED
I just didn't know it until then
All my worries went away, all my insecurities and fears
and I fell madly deeply in love
It's true, my boys are Daddy's boys and they love me too
My heart first belonged to Nicholas and I will forever want to protect and nurture Brandon
But this is different
Maybe because I know he is the last...
Maybe because I needed him
Maybe because today I have a little love, my angel, my partner, MINE
He Loves me.
And I love our love affair
