My Love Affair

My Love Affair

 People ask me what #3 is like and this is what I say

I am having the most incredible love affair with Luke.

But here is the truth so its out there.  

I could not answer the question if I wanted THREE or a GIRL 

Dan and I battled over the decision  -  even deciding to postpone #3 for a while

Just when we made that decision, we found out I was pregnant again

I was devastated when I found out I was having another boy

And it was then that I knew I didn't want three

I pretended that I could deal with it and was "happy"

I wasn't

I was depressed and mad and angry

and GUILTY

I felt so gulity that I did not want this baby as much as I wanted Nicholas or Brandon

I felt guilty because a baby is a miracle

I felt guilty because some  people are not as lucky as I have been

I felt guilty because I wanted a little girl so bad, I ached inside

I felt guilty because every baby should  be wanted, by someone who couldn't wait to see him, hold him, smell him

I knew I would get there

I knew deep down inside that I would LOVE him, of course I would, and I prayed he would be healthy

I knew he would capture my heart, just like Nicholas and Brandon have

So I waited

Then May 18th came...

It wasn't until I held him that I KNEW he was exactly what I wanted and NEEDED

I just didn't know it until then

All my worries went away, all my insecurities and fears

and I fell madly deeply in love

It's true, my boys are Daddy's boys and they love me too

My heart first belonged to Nicholas and I will forever want to protect and nurture Brandon

But this is different

Maybe because I know he is the last...

Maybe because I needed him

Maybe because today I have a little love, my angel, my partner, MINE

He Loves me.

And I love our love affair