A little personal but...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I want my boys to know how much it meant to me to nurse them. Even if it was only a short time. Even if they never want to think they did that with their mom.. I was that guy  that thought it was abnormal and it would never happen. I opposed it, and fought Dan on it. I thought it was "granola" and "gross" and totally "disgusting".

Then I had Nicky and the minute I saw him it all changed. It was natural and instinctual. In that instant, I became a MOM. It was a connection, a bond, an emotion I never felt before. I was moved. I cried. I LOVED it. I embraced it. But Nicky didn't. Dan and I spent the better part of two weeks getting it right. Finally he did and it worked.

I was devastated at 5 months, when Nicky started to deny it; when a bottle gave him more substance, but it was ok. There would be more.

When Brandon arrived, not only did he take to nursing, he was a natural. Together we were in unison, we spoke the same language. We understood each other. It changed me once again.

Two weeks later, during Brandon's newborn pictures with Michele at Pinkletoes, I had to stop to nurse him. She offered to capture these precious moments on camera. I refused. Now I am heartbreakingly sad that I did. I am not sure if I felt it was too private or I was shy. Or maybe I didn't understand how haunting an image like that could be, but I missed my opportunity.

Every so often she features these special moments between a mom and her baby and my heart aches. Her work is so beautiful, I wanted to share. She calls this "Someday...."


chefbooba said...

It has always been difficult for me to imagine breastfeeding. I had NO DESIRE whatsoever. After reading your heartfelt letter to the boys, I feel maybe I was cheated and hopefully that you and Valerie weren't.Never once did I feel the emotion to nurse and maybe I was completely wrong. You astound me everyday by your pure mothering skills.... Hope in some small way I had a bit to do with that. I love you. MOM

Michele said...

Okay between your post and your mom's sweet words, I'm a mess over here. Your words are beautiful and I'm sure they ring true with many, many mommies out there. Your boys are very lucky to have such a loving and involved and nurturing mama.

Krista said...

When I had my first baby, I thought "well I will give this breastfeeding thing a try but it seems weird." Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would breastfeed 2 of my kids for 12 months each and am going on 5 months on my 3rd baby now. I enjoyed your letter to your boys and your thoughts on it. T

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